This week has been inventory at the OG household. If you know me, you know I like to mean what I say and say what I mean. Sometimes that means I have to step back and take a look at if what I am presenting is truly who I am. Self inventory is the toughest thing to do, but like I say one of my best/worst qualities is that I am “real”. Occasionally my keeping it real does go wrong. “I don’t like nobody playing on my phone!!” LOL! Anyway, I am in the middle of the Monique Self-Inventory. I basically have been looking at my life trying to decided how the phuck did I get here? Do I like it here? Am I holding up my end of deal? Are people happy with me as a friend, employee, daughter blah blah blah ? Am I happy with me as those things? What can I do better? What can I do worse? Why do people like me? Why do people hate me? Should I give a phuck either way?
So I just started this inventory. My basic high level assessment says I am pretty good. I have a few things I need to work on (language, work ethic is slipping a bit, I’m a little too catty for my normal self, need to attend church a little more, etc- you get me). What I realized is I think I lost my passion. I have none. I am half ass with my work out, I have not improved my running time, and I am not where I need to be with the MBA quest. I just feel so very blah these days. I feel like doing something, but already having it done for me. You ever have that feeling like you want to do something but you don’t want to put any personal effort into it. Where is my passion? I am just chillin… which is ok, but I need more, I have more drive than what is presently displaying itself. I don’t love my job enough to pour myself into it. I don’t hate my soon to be ex husband to pour myself into making his life miserable, my friends seem to be cool they don’t need much; there is no good TV on for me to want to watch, my family is running smooth. I just realize I have nothing to put my energy in, but I have no energy. So shouldn’t I be recharging? I can’t.
It’s pretty crazy these days…I can’t sleep, eating is not at all appealing (well, gummi bears are!!). Working out is ok but I have lost my fire for that somewhat. I just feel…old. You know like all the decisions I have been making are very logical and predictable. Like I am 32 so I should be doing this and this and this. I am very, very, very apprehensive about throwing caution to the wind. I use to be a bigger gambler than this, what happened? I think I may be becoming a man. LOL!
Men think logically then insert emotion. Example, my marriage, when I met my husband he had already decided to settle down. I was there and he said hey she fits the bill I shall continue with my operation settle down. I believe he grew to love me and became crazy about me, however if he wasn’t ready to settle down I don’t think it would have matter how much he loved me or how crazy he was about me I probably would have remained his girlfriend until his switch flipped or until I flipped him off. Now me on the other hand, I had no intention of settling down for shyt. He came in and although it took a VERY BIG BROOM he swept me off my feet and I threw all my logical goals etc to the wind and went for broke, it didn’t matter that I was not ready to settle down. I threw all that to the wind and went for broke- PASSION. See the difference. Well I think I have lost that. Right now there is no person or thing that I will take a gamble on. That is kind of sad I think. There is nothing in my life I would take a gamble on; I have become ruled by caution. I think in my head, why do this? does it make sense? I think don’t do that it doesn’t lead to anywhere. I think time to end this it is not contributing to my bottom line. I think …I think ….I think… OMG I am acting like a GROWN UP!! Where is my heart in these matters? Every time my heart comes up and tells me to do something I say nope that equation is not favorable for me. If you do that you gonna get hurt. If you feel like that…how will doing that affect your future? What if they say thanks but no thanks?
Look, I like a lot of things about being a grown up, you know, having my own cash, buying my own shyt, the obscene amount of clothes and shoes I am allowed to own, standing in front of the refrigerator just air conditioning the whole house, watching the TV with the radio on while surfing the internet, putting the thermostat on whatever I want, turning on the shower and not having to hop right in, you know all the cool shyt you can do because you are GROWN. However I would like to make some rash decisions every now and then, do some unconventional young dumb shyt not anything to far off the beaten path. Live a little. I think in my late twenties I had a great mix of being grown but still taking chances. I always say about those times I was old enough to know better but young enough to still do some of it anyway. Why have I lost it? Why don’t I take gambles anymore? Am I afraid of being hurt or is it a logical progression. PLEASE don’t tell me the latter. Because I don’t think that is living. I don’t. Life is about passion it’s about following your heart over your head sometimes.
I want to do something because I can’t not do it. Know what I mean I want to feel like if I don’t do blah I will die or I will not be true to me. I use to feel like that about my work. You know, I loved my job, loved doing it being a BA was me. I don’t anymore now it’s just a paycheck. I find myself making safe choices because I am single and it’s just me there is no one to fall back on. Shouldn’t it be the exact opposite? Shouldn’t I be taking risk since there is just me to take care of? I have no passion for anything.
I remember in college how I had passion for my ex. I threw all caution to the wind I loved him so hard. Everything counted against us. He was significantly younger, he was sheltered and hadn’t lived a lot. The me today would say do not get involved I would say he will need space and leave you, but the me back then didn’t care about anything except that when I was with him it was like no other feeling in the world. He got me and I got him with out ever saying anything. I felt like he was made for me. I mean up until recently we were still friends and we still got along like that. Actually I would say that if he was in a bind I probably would help him despite the phucked up thing he did. Anyway…
I remember marrying my husband feeling like I had to marry him. Our pastor told us you should only marry someone if you feel like there is no other option. I remember thinking if this man doesn’t ask me to marry me I will die. I don’t feel that way about anyone anymore. Maybe I never will, but then why live. What is life with out passion what is life with out doing the unexpected. I am tired of doing what I should do because that is what adults do. I guess I should be happy that I took that gamble and went for broke. I should only hope to feel that way in life about someone again. I am sure some people go through life never feeling that way, always trying to do the right thing as oppose to what feels right. What is wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me?
Should I be settling for someone who happens to be around at the right time in my life? You know like well my clock is ticking and he has sperm and we get along pretty well, it should work. WHAT A HORRIBLE LIFE. NO NO NO
Should I be settling at my job and saying well its stable and I won’t get fired or laid off anytime soon and I get paid a decent amount of money? WHAT A HORRIBLE LIFE. NO NO NO
Should I be saying well this school is easy to get into and they have a part –time program so I’ll send my GMAT scores there? WHAT A HORRIBLE LIFE. NO NO NO
So the first phase on Inventory is complete…passion? Nope Action – get some about something quick!! I know it’s in me some where. I know it is. I just wish I could find it. There has to be a balance between responsibility and complete and utter chaos, that makes for a life more exciting than mine. Has to be. I think passion about something is what separates the deep from the shallow. I don’t want to be shallow.