Where is the passion?

This week has been inventory at the OG household.  If you know me, you know I like to mean what I say and say what I mean.  Sometimes that means I have to step back and take a look at if what I am presenting is truly who I am.  Self inventory is the toughest thing to do, but like I say one of my best/worst qualities is that I am “real”.  Occasionally my keeping it real does go wrong. “I don’t like nobody playing on my phone!!” LOL!   Anyway, I am in the middle of the Monique Self-Inventory.  I basically have been looking at my life trying to decided how the phuck did I get here? Do I like it here?  Am I holding up my end of deal?  Are people happy with me as a friend, employee, daughter blah blah blah ?  Am I happy with me as those things?  What can I do better?  What can I do worse?  Why do people like me?  Why do people hate me?  Should I give a phuck either way? 

 

So I just started this inventory.  My basic high level assessment says I am pretty good.  I have a few things I need to work on (language, work ethic is slipping a bit, I’m a little too catty for my normal self, need to attend church a little more, etc- you get me).  What I realized is I think I lost my passion.  I have none.  I am half ass with my work out, I have not improved my running time, and I am not where I need to be with the MBA quest.  I just feel so very blah these days.  I feel like doing something, but already having it done for me. You ever have that feeling like you want to do something but you don’t want to put any personal effort into it.  Where is my passion?  I am just chillin… which is ok, but I need more, I have more drive than what is presently displaying itself.  I don’t love my job enough to pour myself into it.  I don’t hate my soon to be ex husband to pour myself into making his life miserable, my friends seem to be cool they don’t need much; there is no good TV on for me to want to watch, my family is running smooth.  I just realize I have nothing to put my energy in, but I have no energy.  So shouldn’t I be recharging?  I can’t.

 

It’s pretty crazy these days…I can’t sleep, eating is not at all appealing (well, gummi bears are!!).  Working out is ok but I have lost my fire for that somewhat.  I just feel…old.  You know like all the decisions I have been making are very logical and predictable.  Like I am 32 so I should be doing this and this and this.  I am very, very, very apprehensive about throwing caution to the wind.  I use to be a bigger gambler than this, what happened?  I think I may be becoming a man.  LOL!

 

Men think logically then insert emotion.  Example, my marriage, when I met my husband he had already decided to settle down.  I was there and he said hey she fits the bill I shall continue with my operation settle down.  I believe he grew to love me and became crazy about me, however if he wasn’t ready to settle down I don’t think it would have matter how much he loved me or how crazy he was about me I probably would have remained his girlfriend until his switch flipped or until I flipped him off.  Now me on the other hand, I had no intention of settling down for shyt.  He came in and although it took a VERY BIG BROOM he swept me off my feet and I threw all my logical goals etc to the wind and went for broke, it didn’t matter that I was not ready to settle down.  I threw all that to the wind and went for broke- PASSION.  See the difference.  Well I think I have lost that.  Right now there is no person or thing that I will take a gamble on.  That is kind of sad I think.  There is nothing in my life I would take a gamble on; I have become ruled by caution.  I think in my head, why do this? does it make sense?  I think don’t do that it doesn’t lead to anywhere.  I think time to end this it is not contributing to my bottom line.  I think …I think ….I think… OMG I am acting like a GROWN UP!!  Where is my heart in these matters? Every time my heart comes up and tells me to do something I say nope that equation is not favorable for me.  If you do that you gonna get hurt.  If you feel like that…how will doing that affect your future?  What if they say thanks but no thanks? 

 

Look, I like a lot of things about being a grown up, you know, having my own cash, buying my own shyt, the obscene amount of clothes and shoes I am allowed to own, standing in front of the refrigerator just air conditioning the whole house, watching the TV with the radio on while surfing the internet, putting the thermostat on whatever I want, turning on the shower and not having to hop right in, you know all the cool shyt you can do because you are GROWN.  However I would like to make some rash decisions every now and then, do some unconventional young dumb shyt not anything to far off the beaten path.  Live a little.  I think in my late twenties I had a great mix of being grown but still taking chances.  I always say about those times I was old enough to know better but young enough to still do some of it anyway.  Why have I lost it?  Why don’t I take gambles anymore?  Am I afraid of being hurt or is it a logical progression. PLEASE don’t tell me the latter.  Because I don’t think that is living. I don’t.  Life is about passion it’s about following your heart over your head sometimes. 

 

I want to do something because I can’t not do it.  Know what I mean I want to feel like if I don’t do blah I will die or I will not be true to me.  I use to feel like that about my work.  You know, I loved my job, loved doing it being a BA was me.  I don’t anymore now it’s just a paycheck.  I find myself making safe choices because I am single and it’s just me there is no one to fall back on.  Shouldn’t it be the exact opposite?  Shouldn’t I be taking risk since there is just me to take care of?  I have no passion for anything. 

 

I remember in college how I had passion for my ex.  I threw all caution to the wind I loved him so hard.  Everything counted against us.  He was significantly younger, he was sheltered and hadn’t lived a lot.  The me today would say do not get involved I would say he will need space and leave you, but the me back then didn’t care about anything except that when I was with him it was like no other feeling in the world.  He got me and I got him with out ever saying anything.  I felt like he was made for me.  I mean up until recently we were still friends and we still got along like that.  Actually I would say that if he was in a bind I probably would help him despite the phucked up thing he did. Anyway…

 

I remember marrying my husband feeling like I had to marry him.  Our pastor told us you should only marry someone if you feel like there is no other option.  I remember thinking if this man doesn’t ask me to marry me I will die.  I don’t feel that way about anyone anymore.  Maybe I never will, but then why live.  What is life with out passion what is life with out doing the unexpected.  I am tired of doing what I should do because that is what adults do.  I guess I should be happy that I took that gamble and went for broke.  I should only hope to feel that way in life about someone again.  I am sure some people go through life never feeling that way, always trying to do the right thing as oppose to what feels right.  What is wrong with me?  Is there anything wrong with me? 

 

Should I be settling for someone who happens to be around at the right time in my life?  You know like well my clock is ticking and he has sperm and we get along pretty well, it should work. WHAT A HORRIBLE LIFE.  NO NO NO 

 

Should I be settling at my job and saying well its stable and I won’t get fired or laid off anytime soon and I get paid a decent amount of money?  WHAT A HORRIBLE LIFE.  NO NO NO

 

Should I be saying well this school is easy to get into and they have a part –time program so I’ll send my GMAT scores there?  WHAT A HORRIBLE LIFE.  NO NO NO

 

So the first phase on Inventory is complete…passion?  Nope Action – get some about something quick!!  I know it’s in me some where. I know it is.  I just wish I could find it.  There has to be a balance between responsibility and complete and utter chaos, that makes for a life more exciting than mine.  Has to be.  I think passion about something is what separates the deep from the shallow.  I don’t want to be shallow. 

 

Be EZ,

 

OG

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5 Responses to Where is the passion?

  1. Renee says:

    Wow thats a damn good post… never done a self inventory… I just let things happen and go about my way… doing something if I feel like it… being lazy if I dont, not really thinking about what Im doing or how I\’m doing it until someone points it out to me… I think I\’m absent of passion… but I\’m not sure if that just isnt my personality… LOL queen of apathy… anyways… youve been talking about the MBA… I think that is the easiest thing to throw passion into… and the return and work is better than any relationship right now LOL at least it was for me when I applied… and during that time some things may come along whil eyoure focusing on your future… the happier you are with that situation… the better things may become in other… happiness spilleth over…LOL love the prat about air conditioning the whole house with the fridge, etc… too funny

  2. Nique says:

    true Renee true..however I don\’t want to throw myself into something just for the sake of it. Whatever itis I want to do it because I must…you know. Like Buschick she writes because she is pasionate about it. She makes time to workat it and get better and practice it. Maybe I should take up an instrument!! LOL!! I use to be passionate like that about work at my last job I felt like what I was doing was worth all my energy. I dunno I am going continue the inventory maybe something will reveal itself..actually I am positive something will. I\’m keeping my head up, my eyes and ears open for my next great passion!!

  3. Bus Chick says:

    My girl,I cannot tell you how much I am feeling this post. It is right on and right where I am. I think that\’s what my "You bring out the Mexican in Me" post was all about. Passion. I need it. Otherwise, why live?This morning, on my walk to work, I was trying to figure out how I could "afford" to make a career move I am considering. But then I started thinking about my mortgage and how my savings would suffer and blah blah blah and wondered how my life had come to that. Calculating, counting, hedging. I too love being a grown-up, but I don\’t want to get old. What I know about you is that you are a passionate woman. You do everything hard. There is nothing small or timid or dull or shallow about you, and that\’s why I love you. Be you, girl. It\’s in there.BC

  4. Rob says:

    Ditto your passion thing (for the past six years). That\’s the one thing that has me putting the brakes to my post-graduate decision (well, not *brakes*, exactly). Don\’t want to spend that money, time, and effort if the drive has moved on. But, then that logic thing kicks. This little voice that tells me unless I want to go back to writing service, I had better get some kind of career going. And, to be honest, that might just have to be enough. While that may not be sexy and full of passion, it is, at least, practical. Is that settling? I don\’t think so. Right now, sunshine, you are in a valley (you should be, by the way. Its ok.). Take it from a guy that knows a little about divorce. I won\’t promise you that things will get better. I don\’t believe in that crap. What I believe is it is up to us to get the most out of life. That\’s good and bad. "Good" because its not up to any of my former bosses to make my life what I want it to be. "Bad" because sometimes, after the Matrix has cranked your life through its algorithm, you don\’t come out Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, or even the kid that blows the doors open to save the dock.Sometimes, you\’re the little Asian girl who watches her mother become Agent Smith. Or you are the mother. But you don\’t believe in that all that fate crap, anyway.So, hang out in the valley and get that inventory done. But once you mark a check next to it on your list, climb your azz out and see what\’s on the other side. Maybe you\’ll find your passion is on the other side. Maybe you\’ll find it on the way up. Maybe you\’ll find out that it is *you.* And, if you don\’t, then go for a swim or head to the desert. I don\’t know how to end this rant except to say that you\’ve got to keep on moving. No matter what. If this has come across as preachy or wordy, its because that is exactly what I haven\’t been doing. I\’ve been waiting for something to happen and it hasn\’t. And its about damn time I did something about it.

  5. Poppy says:

    OG,I think that you\’re worrying too much lately. I know that we all have those days when we feel a little overwhelmed and we ask ourselves the questions, "What is my purpose, how did I get here," etc. It\’s all just part of the roller coaster ride.As far as being an adult and becoming all conservative, yes that does suck. It does provide some sense of stability and structure, however. I think that\’s one of our basic needs as humans, right?Hey, if that doesn\’t work, you can always hook up with a crack head. Then you\’re guaranteed never to have a dull moment.

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