Talking about What’s so scary about me?

 My girl Mandana was on it today… I got that same e-mail. I couldn’t have said it better

Quote

What’s so scary about me?
I thought the prologue to a fictional book I’m reading was a perfect rebuttal to an email I got recently from a friend. Basically the article questioned whether black women are scaring off their men. In this Washington Post article, Joy Jones claims to be sister who is an achiever professionally, spritually, socially and physically. But yet she and millions of other sisters like her are single. She turns the question on to women asking what is wrong with us rather than what is wrong with black men. "What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship. " "Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career or their narrow concepts that their entire personalities project an "I don’t need a man" message. So they end up without one. An interested man may be attracted but he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life. " "A hard-working woman is good to have on your committee. But when a man goes home, he’d prefer a loving partner to a hard worker. It’s not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive,reactionary, outmoded, and oppressive. We have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so." "I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity. I’m not preaching a philosophy of "women be seen and not heard." But I have come to realize that I and many of my smart and independent sisters are out of touch with our feminine center and therefore out of touch with our men." I’m think I’m a slightly young to be questioning why I’m not married yet but the author does make some good points. There is definitely a deficiency of relationship skills in our community but the gap exists for both males and females if you ask me. Look at how many of us grew up without fathers or just in broken homes. Today having children out of marriage is so common in our community we think it’s ok and "just how we do". Being raised by my struggling mother definitely lit a fire in me that I am proud of, but also needs to be tamed. That fire turned into desire for success and motivation to reach my full potential and be independant. But in the meantime, brothers my age just don’t seem to be keeping up. This article suggests that I learn to follow, even if the one I’m following cannot lead as well as I can. I have a hard time with that. I believe that women have a certain place in a Christian family, but the head of household or leader of the family has to have a certain level of competency. I do realize that being the head of my own household (as a single woman) may put me "out of touch with my feminine center". I’m responsible for everything and over time I have learned many lessons and improved my life in many ways. But the life I have lived is what it is and I am who it made me. I would love to meet someone that I could collaborate with, but I’m bringing a lot to the table so you can’t show up with nothing and expect me to fall into place. Check this out: "I’ll be the first one to admit I was always in love with the idea of being in love. I used to think, "Oh I can change him" or "Maybe I’m not being understanding enough?" "I should listen more." My favorite was, "Hey if I just hang in there, sooner or later he’ll come around. This man’s got potential!" Well to hell with potential. The truth of the matter is, a woman can’t operate on the mights or the maybes, only the what is. I look back and I realize my mindset was all wrong. In the midst of always trying to make the unworkable work out, I lost who I was and almost lost my sanity. I forgot about my happiness. Sometimes I found myself walking around feeling like I would lose out if I didn’t give all

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3 Responses to Talking about What’s so scary about me?

  1. Unknown says:

    I think it helps to know the difference between independence and interdependence. I\’ll choose interdependence every time, even though it\’s harder to achieve and maintain. My parents, who will celebrate their 35 wedding anniversary at the end of the month, have been my model for interdependence in my marriage. I\’ve been married for 10 years to a wonderfully loving man, who is full of potential and surprises. He and I choose to need each other. We are not trying to imitate my parents, but we do use them as an inspiration and a point of reference. Over the years, I believe I have observed some of the subtle shifting and sharing of power and responsibility between my parents. Dad was in the Army for my entire childhood. Mom almost always worked outside the home and sometimes had to function like a single parent when the Army deployed dad. My mom is KNOWN for running things and having a lot to say. People think that my Dad just lays in the cut and doesn\’t get involved while she runs everything, but there\’s a lot of negotiating, discussing, and powersharing that goes on on behind the scenes. They have a lot of consideration and loyalty for each other. They almost always present a united front. They are an interesting pair. Their relationship appears deceptively simple and effortless to outsiders. Having spent so much time talking to them since leaving home and getting married myself, I am privy to some of the dynamics that can\’t be seen by others.

  2. HistoricAnya says:

    Boy, she *was* on! How many women settle for the man they\’ve got because he\’s not awful instead of taking the chance and finding a guy who has already realized his potential? If the man is bringing his A game, the woman will respond! Mandana is exactly right; if the man doesn\’t bring anything, why should the woman fall into place? My question is why aren\’t black men bringing their A game to black women?? 🙂

  3. Theresa says:

    I\’m neither black nor american, so I don\’t think I can identify on all levels. But this bit o writing really struck a cord with me anyway. I think it\’s a problem so many women are having these days. I have so many ideas about why this is happening- new pressures on women and our changing roles- but men\’s roles not really changing or at least not changing in any large-scale cohesive way- but none on how to solve it. I hate to see girlfriends settling for men when they\’d be better off themselves (I\’m no man-hater, I\’m married, but he deserves me- lol). I had such articulate thoughts when I started this comment! What happened to them?!?Well, I\’m glad you\’re holding out for that person that deserves you. I guess I think that the most important thing is trust in a relationship. Personally, when I first came into it- I was still fighting everything just like how I\’ve always been taught (and like I always have done in relationships- my poor exs!!). Eventually, I came to the realisation that this relationship isn\’t like my professional or even other personal relationships in that I don\’t have to work for love, respect, trust. It\’s just there. And when I\’m in that place, it\’s easier to be in touch with my softer more feminine side… Ok, I still don\’t know if I\’ve said what I wanted to say.Thanks for posting this though- it\’s made me think!-Theresa

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