My girl Mandana was on it today… I got that same e-mail. I couldn’t have said it better
What’s so scary about me?
I thought the prologue to a fictional book I’m reading was a perfect rebuttal to an email I got recently from a friend. Basically the article questioned whether black women are scaring off their men. In this Washington Post article, Joy Jones claims to be sister who is an achiever professionally, spritually, socially and physically. But yet she and millions of other sisters like her are single. She turns the question on to women asking what is wrong with us rather than what is wrong with black men. "What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship. " "Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career or their narrow concepts that their entire personalities project an "I don’t need a man" message. So they end up without one. An interested man may be attracted but he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life. " "A hard-working woman is good to have on your committee. But when a man goes home, he’d prefer a loving partner to a hard worker. It’s not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive,reactionary, outmoded, and oppressive. We have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so." "I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity. I’m not preaching a philosophy of "women be seen and not heard." But I have come to realize that I and many of my smart and independent sisters are out of touch with our feminine center and therefore out of touch with our men." I’m think I’m a slightly young to be questioning why I’m not married yet but the author does make some good points. There is definitely a deficiency of relationship skills in our community but the gap exists for both males and females if you ask me. Look at how many of us grew up without fathers or just in broken homes. Today having children out of marriage is so common in our community we think it’s ok and "just how we do". Being raised by my struggling mother definitely lit a fire in me that I am proud of, but also needs to be tamed. That fire turned into desire for success and motivation to reach my full potential and be independant. But in the meantime, brothers my age just don’t seem to be keeping up. This article suggests that I learn to follow, even if the one I’m following cannot lead as well as I can. I have a hard time with that. I believe that women have a certain place in a Christian family, but the head of household or leader of the family has to have a certain level of competency. I do realize that being the head of my own household (as a single woman) may put me "out of touch with my feminine center". I’m responsible for everything and over time I have learned many lessons and improved my life in many ways. But the life I have lived is what it is and I am who it made me. I would love to meet someone that I could collaborate with, but I’m bringing a lot to the table so you can’t show up with nothing and expect me to fall into place. Check this out: "I’ll be the first one to admit I was always in love with the idea of being in love. I used to think, "Oh I can change him" or "Maybe I’m not being understanding enough?" "I should listen more." My favorite was, "Hey if I just hang in there, sooner or later he’ll come around. This man’s got potential!" Well to hell with potential. The truth of the matter is, a woman can’t operate on the mights or the maybes, only the what is. I look back and I realize my mindset was all wrong. In the midst of always trying to make the unworkable work out, I lost who I was and almost lost my sanity. I forgot about my happiness. Sometimes I found myself walking around feeling like I would lose out if I didn’t give all