The Emancipation on Moni

Man oh man….I have blogged about writing this blog in so many blogs.  This is the blog where I get to lay it all out on the table and talk about my divorce being FINAL!  The problem is now that the day and first weekend has come and gone I realized it was a bit anti-climactic.  Yes, my OFFICIAL day has come and gone. I am now recognized as single by this great state of Texas.  My divorce was final November 17th.  What is really crazy is when I woke up Sunday morning I was greeted by an Outlook reminder that said it was the anniversary of the day I met my ex-husband.  Wow, talk about full circle.


I know some people are probably like why is she so happy (and when will she blog about something else- soon I promise), the reason I am so happy is that once I made the decision that I had my marriage was the WRONG decision I was ready to move on and get through with the process. My ex however was not so ready and because he was not, the divorce process was SLOWED BIG TIME!!  There are a few things I learned about my ex, more so while trying to divorce him than when I was married to him.  He is obsessed with control, because of that he doesn’t really surround himself with those who don’t agree with him or those that he can’t influence heavily.  When they don’t agree with him, he always dismisses their views as lesser or flawed, which is only human to some degree, I guess.  Almost all his friends think he is the end all, be all.  He is the darling of his family as well, can do no wrong in their eyes NONE! Not a bad gig if you can get it.  Those that aren’t as impressed with him are relegated to outskirt status in his life.  His need to be a big fish in a little pond is  something that always bothered me.  I guess I got use to some of it or maybe I never really noticed it until the other cracks in his façade started to show.  Look I got plenty of cracks in my façade and I take my lumps for not being the best wife at all times, however I have never tried to manipulate the story into anything other than what it was, which was our entry in to holy matrimony was not completely thought out or really taken seriously, by either one of us.   I think we both were so use to succeeding at things with little effort we assumed, wrongly, that we would succeed at marriage just as easily as all the other things in our lives.  Truth is marriage is the hardest job there is, well next to raising a productive and responsible human being. 


As I reflect on my marriage and some of the e-mails my ex wrote me tinged in bitterness and hate, I realized two things about him.  First, he never really knew me or cared to know me, he knew the me he wanted to know.  Which is no discredit to him.  I think that we all do that sometimes we know and love someone that really isn’t that person at all.  I would remember him always trying to convince my friends and family of how I was and they would go Monique? Wow she must have changed.  In all fairness it’s very possible I did change or at least changed for him!! BAD MOVE.  The second thing was his need for control; I had never had a way to put this in words in the time right after I found out the thing that started us down Splitsville.  He never listened to what I asked him to do, he called it "fighting for us" and I called it disregarding my feelings.  My lawyer put it so well after my mediation, to paraphrase she said it was a matter of control to him and it appeared that my ex really didn’t care about the outcome of things between us good or bad, as long as he felt he was in total control of the situation.  When she said that to me it was like a light went on because that was exactly it.  He even told me we may not be together but you won’t say I didn’t fight, and really it wasn’t about fighting to be together it was about being in control of the situation, sad huh.  He would scream take me to court I don’t care what the judge rules.  He went to great lengths to control our situation and those great lengths he went to are what let me know we were never going to work as a couple.  I can deal with a lot of things but, the control or the destruction he would cause in our lives to gain control of or the upperhand in our situation was both pathetic and scary.  I don’t think any less of him; I just think that is who he is as a person. 


I am sure there a plenty women that are willing to take that flaw because they believe his positives to far outweigh his negatives. And for some women I am sure there are far worse things he could do and be,  I, however, could not accept that.  These days he spends time telling people a story of our demise that implicates me far more than I feel I was responsible.  I even found ot from a distant cousin that he told her a half truth parading as the gospel about why we are no longer together.  However I think people are allowed to write their own truths.  So, he will write and tell his in his world and I will tell mine.  I know that my truth, of course, is biased.  He, on the other hand, believes his to be gospel.  I really don’t think there is any use in retelling the WHOLE STORY and not because I am trying to save face, but because it is the past. A past I am trying my best to leave far behind.   

What is done is done all one can do is move on and learn from it!  That is what I have been trying to do for so long.  So when my lawyer called and told me the divorce was final and I was done, YOU HAD NO IDEA how relieved and happy I felt about it.  I mean it really was emancipation for me, just as he felt it was for him, I assume.  The difference between us is I will not try to talk about or slander those who made me feel uncomfortable when we were together.  It is just apparent to me that our two worlds NEVER quite clicked or meshed.  I have heard from several sources that he still makes "smart" comments about me, my family, and my friends. I understood that in the begining, but its been a year, now come on man GET OVER IT.  How long should the nastiness countinue? I don’t think anyone was purposely ever trying to hurt me or ridicule me (people talk about people who are different- human nature), we just were not right for one another and that’s that.  In our break-up he talked about how uncomfortable people in my circle made him feel, the fact was I spent plenty time around people who made me uncomfortable.  People who I knew for a fact said bad things about me behind my back (per his all to eager disclosures).  I just didn’t spend time blaming those people or harping on the fact they would smile in my face and talk behind my back.  I just learn to adjust to it and move on.


So my saga continues.  I close the chapter on what I consider a major failure in my life and I move on to make sure the next time I do that  (well if there is a next time-hmmm highly doubtful theese days) it will be right.  I mean that’s the only way I know to make my marriage something more than a joke.  Learn from your mistakes, that’s how you improve…right?


Sorry to bore you with one more blog about my failed marraige, but I just needed this last one to clear my soul in a public and professional matter and officially recognize that my new life has begun, my name has been returned to me, and I am ready to go.  Funny I thought this blog was going to be much different than what I wrote.  Oh well…mooooooooooooving on! (literally)


Be EZ,


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6 Responses to The Emancipation on Moni

  1. Theresa says:

    Well Miss Monique, I\’m glad you\’re facing forward. People change, sometimes for good, for bad, for better, for worse, together, and apart… I don\’t know where I was going with that but it\’s what I was thinking. Blog as much as you want about your marriage/divorce! Think of how much I blog about my hair- I know people must be tired of hearing it but I keep doing it anyway. BTW you\’re the only person I know who not only thinks wigs are a good idea but also wears them- I love that! One day I\’ll save up for a wig. I\’d give you some words of encouragement, but you don\’t seem like you need them. Just a big *SMILE*

  2. Nique says:

    Oh yes Theresa, I believe hair is an accessory that should be changed with your mood. I think this may be a black woman thing or a me thing not quite sure, but since I know other black women that think like me, Imma go with my first generalization. LOL 🙂 Sometimes changing the length, color and texture is not an a viable option, so I say wig it, weave it sew it, grow it, and chop it if you must. As long as you look fabulous because that is what REALLY counts. LOL! Plus do you know how many times I\’ve wanted a cute pixie cut followed by long and flowing hair the next day, can\’t do that with out the fake stuff!! LOL! And as always THANKS for the love!! -OG

  3. Maggie says:

    I\’m happy for you. Some marriages are not meant to be forever and you should not stay in them if you aren\’t happy!! I know you will find someone "right" for you!!God Bless,M.PS: There\’s some sexy military men in NC!!!!!

  4. Unknown says:

    Ms. M,Congratulations on your new situation! You have the courage to "live life and not let it live you" (I see now why you felt my "Untitled" joint) and there\’s nothing at all wrong with that. You have experiences, NOT FAILURES and I want you to remember that as you enjoy your emancipation. Get yo "phoenix" on and continue to shake those ashes off!!

  5. Amy says:

    Congrats!! I think you did a great job with this blog because you could have blasted him as much as the next female but you held it together and that shows the type of woman you are. He lost out. But no matter cause it looks like it\’s been such a good thing for you.Try not to think of this as a huge failure but as a learning experience because without this how would you be able to pick and choose the right guys for you? Right?

  6. HistoricAnya says:

    As always, you have taken the best parts of the experience, learned from them and moved on in a positive manner – amazing! It also reflects well on you that you aren\’t willing to stoop to his level of pettiness and trife talking, but have risen above; as my grandma would say, you have BREEDING, darling. Of course, there\’s nothing a control freak hates more than losing control of someone, ha ha ha! Rejoice in your freedom – you\’ve earned it! 🙂

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